Winter One Without Hockey | Part One: For Parents

By Rick Van Arnam

Winter 2017-2018 will be my first one without hockey since 1998; by that I mean, the first winter in nearly two decades in which my son or daughter is not playing organized hockey.  2003 and 2010 were partial winters, in a sense, because I was deployed to Afghanistan, but still I remember knowing at odd hours Kabul time when Connor and Elana were stepping on the ice in a rink somewhere in New England.  In another sense, there were partial winters because of concussions, other injuries, or study abroad. Even in those partial winters when hockey was dormant, there was always a confident hope that I would again see one or both play while I stood in the stands with a cup of coffee.  But today, that confident hope has thoroughly melted, replaced by wonderful memories that have far outskated fewer disappointments. 

What follows are a few lessons I’ve learned.  These are tailored specifically for parents whose kids aspire to play college hockey.  Part two will offer some advice for coaches. 

The First Question

If your child is good enough to get interest from a college coach, the first question that will be asked is, “How are your grades?”  The first truth is that by the time a coach approaches your skater, he/she will already have formed an opinion on your player’s ability to compete at the college level.  The second truth is that the coach’s opinion will be more accurate and better informed than yours.  Playing college hockey is more about the classroom than the rink.  Make sure your player is doing all he or she can in the classroom to not just make it onto campus, but to confidently succeed in the classroom.  The final truth under this heading is that there are quite a few players still playing hockey in college not just because of their hockey ability, but because their academic ability compensates for some hockey skill that is lacking.

The Better-Prepared Person

A college assistant coach gave me this advice when we were weighing an option to send our eldest child to private school.  By this time our family faced a convergence of challenges, which included a deployment to Afghanistan, fewer hockey options in our rural setting, and the desire to ensure our kids were being challenged academically.  We did have junior hockey options and a local university at which our kids could take classes supplementing their high school curriculum, but life-balance would not have been in-balance. The advice that we took was established on the truth that no matter what decision we made, playing college hockey was not a guarantee.  What was far more certain, though, was that a student who graduates from a challenging high school program – for us this was prep school – would likely emerge a better-prepared person.  It is difficult to argue against the rigor of a prep or private school where student-athletic-life balance is emphasized and resources are deeper.  If a student takes advantage of all that is offered, he or she will emerge a better-prepared person during the college admission process - and for life ahead.

What a Hillbilly Learned and How It Applies to Private School

                                                                                              

In years spent listening in the bleachers and arena lobbies, the one comment I heard over and over again from parents is that “we can’t afford private school.”  Private school may not be free and there can be costs not on the bill, but there is financial aid available – sometimes abundant financial aid.  My advice here is simply to do the investigative work.

In his book, Hillbilly Elegy, author JD Vance makes a case for tapping into “social capital”: mining a network of interested mentors, extended family and friends to consider otherwise unthinkable options.  By way of Appalachia, the Marine Corps, and The Ohio State University, he discovered that Yale Law School was actually more affordable than state law schools and that his candidacy was made more attractive because of his personal history, which while it had achievement, was filled with dysfunction. 

I think it is fair to expect some sacrifice, but it is also fair to remember the better-prepared person advice.  You will never know what might be possible if you don’t ask. If your player is achieving in the classroom, please recall the first question advice, because that gives even more reason to investigate.

Skates and Cleats

This scenario is no joke.  Every spring, USA Hockey Camps kick into high gear and are soon followed by a circuit of summer hockey schools.  At both, there will be a classroom session where players and sometimes parents hear the advice to play multiple sports.  One would think the advice is somehow paid advertising by soccer, lacrosse, or baseball coaches in the way that it is so easily dismissed.  For the most talented and high-potential hockey players, there will come a time when solely focusing on hockey will be the right decision, but for most players, the decision is made way too early and perhaps should not be made at all.  Truthfully, had our kids not attended private school, we likely would have followed in this trap.  But from my experience, I watched one of my kids make the largest hockey strides in the two years he returned to playing three sports (soccer, hockey, baseball/lacrosse).  Those were also prep school years where playing a different sport each season was required.

The arguments in favor of this are simple – playing multiple sports develops the entire athlete and provides a break from hockey.  And there are some compelling examples.  The most intriguing example might be Chris Hogan, who excelled at football and lacrosse in high school, and played lacrosse for Penn State graduating in three years. He then returned to football using his final year of eligibility to play at Monmouth University.   Hogan recently helped the New England Patriots win their fifth Super Bowl.  Another example is St. Lawrence University’s all-time leading scorer among defensemen, Gavin Bayruether.  Bayruether played multiple sports at Holderness School and many thought he would play college lacrosse early in his prep career.  In lacrosse, he played attack and had a knack for both scoring goals and dishing out assists in the close quarters around the net.  Those skills translate well to the rink and help explain why he has been so effective at getting pucks on the net.  He will have a legitimate shot at making an NHL roster in the coming seasons and scored in his first AHL game one week after playing in his final college game.    If you enjoy a sport, don’t stop playing it just because you think you have to in order to get better at hockey.  Think of it as developing the athletic skills that will multiply your hockey skills.

Only a Few

Less than a few players in a Pee Wee team photo, despite all those who want to, will actually play hockey in college.  And the one or two who will make it might surprise you.  The reasons for this are numerous and include loss of interest, injury, another sport, stalled development, poor off-ice decision-making, and grades.  Unfortunately, I think most parents understand that playing college hockey is somewhat a law of numbers and will encourage year-round hockey or specialization.  If you accept that playing college hockey is limited, consider the next piece of advice.

Observe and Hold Back

Does your player, on his or her own, pick up a stick and practice? Find ice? Shoot pucks? Make up crazy games inside and outside the house that involve any shape of hockey stick and projectile?  If your player is spending hours each week doing those things, without you insisting, laying on a guilt trip, or offering an allowance, take that as a positive sign.  The motivation to play hockey has to be internal.  It is not something you can pass on, force, or buy.  By simply observing, parents will note where passion really lies.  Introduce activities, but observe for passion.  Even DIII hockey programs will begin off-ice workouts as soon as school convenes and will continue some form of workout through the spring semester. It’s a long season; passion is what makes it fun and worth it. 

Three Questions

I learned this from Harry Sheehy, who is the Athletic Director (AD) at Dartmouth and former head basketball coach and AD at Williams College.  He came to Bear Pond Books in Montpelier, Vermont to talk about his book, Raising a Team Player.  He advised asking your player three questions after a game.  The first question is, “Did you have fun?”  That question reminds both parent and player that the greatest game on Earth is really played because it is fun.  Listen to an NHL player being interviewed before a playoff game or an outdoor contest.  It’s not scripted that the word “fun” is in every interview.   Hockey is a fun game.  Period.  Not unlike the Observe and Hold Back advice, ask and listen.  You’ll gain some important insight.

The second question is, “What do you remember most?” and the third question is, “Now what are you going to work on?”  These last two questions are open-ended and invite an open-ended answer.  Those questions should make for a better conversation and help you avoid becoming the overbearing parent in the car on the ride home.

Final Disclaimer

Winter one without hockey will be just fine.  Like retiring from the National Guard, I will continue to discover the joy in a free weekend.  I’ll subscribe to the NHL network and watch nightly.  I’ll continue to follow college hockey and look forward to the NCAA tournament in March and April.  I’ll take my son to the University of Michigan for a pair of weekend of games at Yost.  

Like every valuable lesson in life, I learned these from the mistakes and missteps I made along the way.  Admitting and sharing these lessons help me enjoy even more the wonderful memories unique to a hockey family.

About the Author

Rick Van Arnam is a Principal Consultant with The Table Group and founder of Paine Mountain, Inc., a Veteran Owned Small Business.  He works with CEO’s and executive teams to help create cohesive teams and healthy organizations.

He is an avid hockey fan and spent countless winter hours flooding a Vermont pond where he and his wife Connie raised their family.  They now reside in Wilmington, North Carolina.